Dear British media:

You know you shouldn't make reports after you've had a couple of drinks - it makes you talk nonsense, like telling the world we don't know how to use ice-scrapers, ffs, as if the majority of the country didn't experience weather like that practically every winter. Everyone north of the M25 says "Hi," by the way.

Please. It's embarrassing. We all know it'll only take a few more before you're dancing on tables and showing everyone your knickers. Just... take it easy on the vodka and Red Bull, that's all I ask.

Thanks,

- P.

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Dear London Transport,

See, it goes like this:

- Spring: rain
- Summer: hot temperatures
- Autumn: rain and leaves
- Winter: snow and ice

Sometimes there are extremes of these things, so please try to bear that in mind when building train tracks, buying new buses, planning the logistics for road travel, etc.

Thanks,

- P.

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Dear rest of world,

Oh, like you've never done anything embarrassing.

:P

- P.