Title: Planet Of The Woobies
Author: Pepper
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 898
Featured Character(s): Daniel
Pairing(s): Daniel/team
Summary: Uh, this is just crack!fic. It hardly rates a summary.
A/N: So, I've nearly finished reading Barque of Heaven, and... okay, it's not actually this bad. At all. Honestly. 

(No actual spoilers for Barque, either. The plot of this--such as it is--is entirely mine.)

ETA: Haha! I would like to make it known that I wrote this before reading the final chapter of Barque (p. 336 on). And now I have read it. Uh-huh.

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Consciousness slowly slithered back into Jack's brain. He kept his eyes closed and his body limp, his Spec Ops training in Keeping Your Eyes Closed And Your Body Limp When You've Just Regained Consciousness kicking in. Unpleasant memories stirred. Jaffa... beating him to a pulp. Yeah, that would explain why he felt like a tenderised steak. The usual ache in his knees had been multiplied tenfold when they'd kicked his legs out from under him, and he winced internally as he remembered one of them stomping on his hand. His head was throbbing from the blow that had finally knocked him out, and—ow—he didn't remember being kicked repeatedly in the side, so that must've happened once he'd lost consciousness. Charming.

Synapses fired. They'd been beating him up for daring to attack their god... whom Jack had attacked because he was making threatening remarks to Daniel... Daniel!

Jack's eyes flew open, and he sat up quickly, body protesting. He shook it off, and looked around quickly, finding his team slumped around their own little cell. Sam and Teal'c looked about as bad as he felt, and Daniel was lying with his head in Sam's lap, as she ran her fingers through his hair. "Daniel?" Jack croaked. Sam looked up.

"He's hurt, Colonel." She looked down again, eyes shining. "A Jaffa hit him."

"Bastard," growled Jack. Of course, a Jaffa had hit Jack, too—lots of Jaffa, in fact, and probably harder, too, seeing as he'd attempted to kill the damn Goa'uld—but somehow that didn't matter. He was tough, he'd shake it off, but Daniel... Daniel was... "Will he be okay?"

Sam nodded tearfully. "I think so. They only hit him once. But we need to get him back to the SGC as soon as possible." She was still stroking her fingers through Daniel's lovely brown hair. "I don't know what I'd do if—" She broke off. "He's the only person in the universe more intelligent than me," she whispered.

Jack swallowed down a lump in his throat. "He'll be fine, Major," he said, trying to be strong for his team. "How're you doing?"

"Oh, twisted ankle, few bruises, and I think that stab wound in my leg is infected—I'm fine," she said, dismissively.

"Good." Jack looked at Teal'c, who was staring fixedly off to the side. "Teal'c?"

"I am deeply wounded, O'Neill."

"What?" Jack frowned at him. "Is it Junior?"

"I am wounded in my soul, for I have not lived up to my obligation." Teal'c glanced sideways at Daniel's unconscious form, and understanding dawned for Jack. "I strangled the Jaffa with my bare hands," he continued, "but only after he had hurt my friend—my brother." He shook his head. "The beating I received was no more than I deserve."

"Ohhh." For a moment, a reprimand hovered on Jack's lips, but he repressed it. Teal'c was feeling bad enough already. "I'm sure he'll forgive you," he said, instead.

"Indeed." Teal'c ducked his head sorrowfully. "That is why I feel such deep shame. For Daniel Jackson is a saint, and I have not proven my worthiness of his friendship."

Jack nodded gloomily. "We all screwed up," he acknowledged. "But we'll get him home, and under the care of Doc Frasier, and it'll all be fine." Doc Frasier would understand. She cared for Daniel almost as much as they did. They all froze as Daniel groaned. Jack scuttled across the cell, and resisted the urge to pull Daniel to his manly chest when he finally saw those amazing blue eyes open. "Hey," he said, gently.

"Ow," said Daniel. He reached up a hand to his jaw, feeling the bruise there. "Ow."

"How're you feeling?" asked Sam, striving to regain her professional demeanor.

"Oh, I'm okay," said Daniel. Nobly.

They all helped him to sit up, and Teal'c kept his strong hand on Daniel's shoulder. "Daniel, I must—"

Daniel looked up. "No," he said, understanding immediately. "You don't need to apologise. I forgive you." Teal'c bowed his head, honoured beyond measure. "Oh, Sha're!" Daniel added, unexpectedly. "Sha're, love!"

Jack and Sam exchanged a glance, wondering if the Jaffa had done some real damage. "Uh... Daniel?"

Daniel was now staring up at the roof of their cell, valiantly holding back the tears that shone in his cerulean eyes. "I just remembered what the Goa'uld said. He said that he knew someone who knew a Jaffa who'd served with a Goa'uld who'd been one of Apophis's underlings when Ammonet was in someone else's body. Oh! If only Ammonet hadn't taken my beloved Sha're!"

Jack abandoned his resistance, and pulled Daniel into his arms, tucking Daniel's head under his chin (quite a feat, as Daniel was a good couple of inches taller than him). "We'll find her, I promise," he swore. "And hey, if she dies, you might need someone to help you in your terrible grief. Don't forget your friends." His voice dropped. "Don't forget me."

"And me," said Sam, jealously tugging on Daniel's arm.

Teal'c cleared his throat, glaring pointedly at Sam and Jack. "And I."

Fortunately, before yet another fight over Daniel could break out, Thor beamed them all up—he happened to be passing that quarter of the universe at the time—and they got him to run Daniel through a cloning programme, and everyone lived happily ever after with their Daniel clone. Even Thor. 
 
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THE END.