I was thinking about this yesterday, actually, because I was working away at a space pirate fic (and there's nothing not fun about that), and being kinda mean and angsty to my characters, and I was thinking: even when I'm writing things where I kill characters off, or torment them (and it does feel like I'm inflicting this stuff, in a way), I still enjoy the writing of it. And when I'm writing fun stuff where they're happy and kissing and joking, I'm positively gleeful. What is it about putting words in a certain order on a page or screen that's so fun? Really?

I'm trying not to think about the getting of feedback here - because that makes me unbelievably happy, but in a different way. That's my happiness for being read, and appreciated. Who wouldn't love to be told that someone liked their work? To know that someone was actually paying attention? I'm taking that as read, for now. What I'm wondering is, what is it about the writing process itself that's so.... more-ish. Because even before the wonder that is lj, I was writing stuff for my own amusement. Probably no one but me will ever read it (I don't know where most of it is, for a start, and for another thing it's terrible).

I've always been fascinated when I hear about why writers write. There's a lot of stuff about 'I can't help it', 'it's a compulsion' (which I totally feel). But even when it seems totally frustrating, and you just can't get that sentence right, or the characters just won't do what you want them to do, or you've just seen a huge, gaping logic-hole in the plot that will involve you going back and reorganising the entire damn thing from the start... it's still something we want to do. Or else why would we persist?

Hmm. Now I'm thinking that the question shouldn't be 'why is writing fun?' so much as 'what compels us?' Because people will often do things that aren't 'fun', but they still can't seem to stop - people who self-harm, for instance. Or that friend who always falls into doomed relationships, time and again, and she knows that she shouldn't go out with these jerks, and you can't see why she isn't with someone who'll worship her, because she's a really great person, you know, because you've been her friend for years...

So anyhow, back to the subject. People write for money - but usually badly (have you ever tried to read Jeffrey Archer?). People write because they're self-obsessed teenagers with too many hormones and there's just no one who listens (my juvenile attempts at poetry, anyone? *shudder*). People write because they've just been hit by an inspired idea (a billion unfinished works). But the majority of people seem to write because, well, er... "I have to."

I have complete admiration anyone who can finish a novel. I don't seem to have the patience to stick to anything longer than around 10,000 words. I just can't seem to... to fit it all into my head, or to concentrate on one project for long enough. My friend is a published author - she's so awesome. Seriously. And my partner is in the process - he came up with the plot (and the sequels), got the outline written down, and now most evenings he spends time colouring it in, expanding it, editing and reworking it... it's amazing. He's working so hard at it. Me? I have nearly 100,000 words on ff.net. Don't get me wrong, I'm super proud of that, but I'd be happier if it was all one story. You know, a goddamn novel. And also it'd be nice if it was my own characters. *eyeroll* But I know what to do about that: write. it.

Here's some more of my rambling thoughts for you: personally, if I was stuck on a desert island, I think I'd go nuts if I couldn't write. I'd be chopping down palm leaves and writing in my own blood, if that was what it took. Why? Why? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

And writing the last line for a story, when you just know it's right, and perfect, and you know the story works, and it does what you wanted it to do, and everything you had in your brain has somehow, miraculously, transferred to the page, and held together, and even expanded as you wrote? That kicks ass.

And now I have to go and dig out my copy of "Negotiating with the Dead: A Writer on Writing", by Margaret Atwood. Because she's said all this, only a thousand time better and more coherently.