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Fic: You Captains Bold And Brave (G, gen)

  • Sep. 19th, 2011 at 10:33 PM
pepper: Pirate flag (Pirate flag)
Title: You Captains Bold And Brave
Author: Pepper
Rating: G
Wordcount: 1139
Featured Character(s): Thor, Jack, Daniel, Sam, Teal'c
Pairing(s): None
Summary: Just please don't teach him the words to 'The Good Ship Venus'.
A/N: For TLAPD 2009 2010 2011. It's reached the point where I feel like I'm co-authoring this with 2009!me.

---

Supreme Commander Thor was beginning to think his flagship, the Daniel Jackson, needed its fifty million lightyear checkup. Perhaps during one of his encounters with the Replicators it had received some damage that his systems had been unable to detect. Certainly, since the incident at Orilla, when O'Neill had been interfaced with the ship's computers, it had been acting... peculiarly.

So far, the difficulties had been annoying but ignorable. A Supreme Commander had little time to waste in worrying over the many small eccentricities of his ship. The problem with the food dispenser had proven quite entertaining, and he found himself looking forward to seeing what spiky, humanoid shapes his favourite yellow blocks would appear in each day. The occasional gusts from the air circulator was irritating, especially when coupled with the diagnosis circuits' persistence in claiming that it had "got a little gas" – but it in no way impacted life-support. However, the loss of all genetic data gathered by Loki over the years (it had been decided by the Council that there was no sense in wasting it, despite the unethical methods used) was worrying. He had ultimately been forced to concede to the computer's stubborn insistence that it had simply disappeared.

After that, Commander Thor had reluctantly asked Heimdall to overhaul the system when he was next in port. But this latest development was causing him to think that perhaps he ought to make a special trip.

It began when he awoke – or more accurately, he became aware of it from the moment it awoke him. Instead of the usual gentle chimes, his alarm jangled a loud, metallic bell sound, startling him awake. Then it greeted him in an extremely peculiar accent – one he did not recognise from any of his travels – and informed him that it was "six bells and all's well".

It was not a good way to start the day.

For his first meal, he discovered that, no matter what he requested, what he received were the disgusting black nutrition blocks – his least favourite, and one he could have sworn he had programmed the computer never to dispense – combined with the white ones in some extremely ominous shapes. His attempts to reason with the computer were fruitless. Eventually, he manually separated the black and white and ate a small portion of the white ones, but the taste was definitely tainted by proximity and it made for a very unsatisfactory meal. Finally, he left the small mound of inedible food, and headed to the engine room, hoping to fix the problem before the next meal.

He found no explanation in the ship's physical systems. The computer firmly denied any problems (and in most peculiar terms – what was a 'peg leg'?), despite the evidence, and he could see no damage that might explain it, and no trace of internal breaks or warps to the logic crystals.

The unexpected three-toned whistle that greeted his entrance to the bridge made his hearts jump most unpleasantly, and it announced him most unnecessarily, and with an incorrect rank. He moved the ship's controls with uncharacteristic snappiness, searching for an explanation – but after three whole bleans, he was left, as before, utterly baffled as to the source of the problem. According to every system diagnostic, there was nothing wrong.

Thor narrowed his eyes. There was definitely something wrong.

In frustration, he searched the ship's information systems for some reason behind the seemingly-random behaviour. He entered the phrase about bells that had greeted him that morning, and at last came across an anomaly: he was not the first to search under those terms. In fact, the ship itself had searched for them, some time ago. He checked the timecode, and a suspicion beginning to dawn.

"Computer, set course for Earth."

"Aye-aye, cap'n!"

"And stop calling me that!"

---

O'Neill straightened, his eyes widening and, although he was not smiling, Thor had the distinct impression that he was delighted. Beside him, however, Daniel Jackson dropped his head to the table with a groan, Colonel Carter closed her eyes, and Teal'c frowned disapprovingly at O'Neill. "Really?" said O'Neill, as though Thor had not explained the issue sufficiently clearly. "Little skulls and crossbones, you say?"

Colonel Carter, with a visible exercise of will, did not reach over and smack her commanding officer. "Thor, we really must apologise," she said, staring at O'Neill. He blinked at her.

"We must? I mean, uh, yeah, I guess... Sorry about that, Thor. Sounds like it might be, maybe, my fault. Not that I remember doing it," he added, returning the Colonel's glare.

"I do not understand," said Thor. And if he didn't get an explanation soon he was going to freeze the entire base in a time bubble until he did. "What is happening to my ship?"

"It's a stupid celebration that happens today," said Daniel, muffled against the table. "And every year, on September 19. People go around talking like a pirates. It's a modern celebration with no basis in fact or tradition and no roots in established secular or religious festivities." He sat up, and joined the others in glaring at O'Neill. "It's HIS favourite holiday."

"We have celebrated it for the past five years," said Teal'c, making it sound like a sentence.

O'Neill gestured behind him to where a black flag hung over his office door. Thor finally recognised the design in white upon it. "What's not to love?"

"Do you mean to say that, during the time you spent interfaced with the Daniel Jackson, you implemented a subroutine that remained undetected until now, purely on a whim?"

O'Neill winced. "Well now, Thor, ol' buddy, you know I wasn't really in my right mind at the time, so I'm not sure you can really blame me for..."

"Fascinating." Thor tipped his head, regarding his friend in a new light. Who would have thought he could have multitasked so effectively, or indeed hidden it from Thor so well – on his own ship, no less! "You must explain to me all about this talking like pirates day."

O'Neill brightened.

Colonel Carter stood hurriedly. "I've got to go do something in my lab," she muttered.

"I will accompany you," said Teal'c.

"Yeah, I'm not sticking around to get blamed for the fallout on this," said Daniel, bluntly, and they all fled the room.

"Ye cowardly curs!" O'Neill shouted after them. He shrugged at Thor. "So, the first thing you need to learn is to say 'arrrr' after every sentence. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. And then I've gotta teach you how to curse..."

---

END.

Comments

l_jade: (Default)
[personal profile] l_jade wrote:
Sep. 20th, 2011 04:39 am (UTC)
I love your TLAPD fics *grins*

Bart-shape yellow-cube! FTW! \0/ \0/\0/

nitpicky.. he added, returning the Major's glare.
I think it should be "Colonel"
pepper: Yay! (Yay)
[personal profile] pepper wrote:
Sep. 20th, 2011 08:44 am (UTC)
Heh, thanks - I love writing it. :D

*g* I'm glad the Simpsons food cube joke was obvious enough.

And d'oh, thanks, I thought I'd got all of those. *corrects*
magnavox_23: (RDAHeadInAJar)
[personal profile] magnavox_23 wrote:
Sep. 21st, 2011 09:50 pm (UTC)
Jack and computers, huh? *g*

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